The Line

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Random Ramblings

“Once in your life, if you are very lucky, you will meet the person who divides it to the time before you met (him) and the time after. “

You clearly delineated my lifetime and there was my life before you and my life after you. I am never, ever the same.

Somehow I wish I can go back beyond that line.

But there is no going back, it seems. You have infiltrated the very core of me that even time traveling will not permit me to erase you.

Somehow I wish there was no line.

Hay.

For the Polar Bear

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Random Ramblings

It’s almost 5AM in the morning. I was sleepy a few hours ago but decided to keep someone company online — who is now sleeping I believe.

But now I’m wide awake and a bit restless. I guess I really have to write it down. I haven’t been in my tippytop cheery self lately as everything seems to crumble around me. Depressed, yes. Restless, yes. Hopeless, a bit. Lonely, hell yeah.

I have never ever felt more alone in my life until now.

So let me try to take this out of my cloud. Let me at least write ONE thing down.

I am happy for you. And I really wish you all the best. They say you could never truly unlove a person — well, I have to admit, it slightly stings until now. But I have no regrets – just only a few memories in hand.

Sometimes I still find myself thinking of what happened back then – rationalizing in my head what must have gone wrong or what really lead to the end. I guess I’ll never know the reason now.I moved on without knowing how and why. We just have to put it that way. And that will never change.

Maybe what bothers me is this — that I will never find someone like you. Or at least find another love I can call my own. Many times has this little heart been broken and is continuously being so. I fear that I will never find anyone who can take care of this mangled heart of mine. Call me a pessimist — but I’m just trying to be realistic. Oh well. That’s how life goes, right?

I will cry for you for the very last time with grateful bittersweet tears. Not because I am still hurting — that would be just too absurd. Because I want to say thank you. And because I could really no longer remember how and why… all I remember is that I loved. And I was loved…the best way you knew how.

Tired

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Random Ramblings

I think this realization makes me feel like I’m in rock bottom.

I realized that all my life, I have loved other people, school, work– so much but they have not loved me back in return.

You give without expecting anything in return. That’s what a friend told me. But is life always going to end up like this? That I am always going to get the shorter end of the deal?

In life and in love, I have never been the lucky one.

I’m tired of not getting back in return.

I’m tired. I’m done. Ubos na ako.

I just want to be taken cared of

So…

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A day in the life of..., Emo, Life, Random Ramblings, Reflections

Surprise surprise.

I have to write this down just so I can document the shock…which should subside any minute now.

The news actually made me reflect. No, I am not affected. I’m just forced to think about that single question which I have been avoiding for years now.

Maybe I don’t deserve that.

And when you fall apart

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A day in the life of..., Emo, Life, Random Ramblings, Reflections

am I the reason for your endless sorrow?

Thanks for believing. I will slowly get out of this cloud. And you will be the silver lining.

Don’t give up on me yet.

Dreams

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A day in the life of..., Emo, Life, Random Ramblings, Reflections

Dreams tell you what your heart desires.

Because I dreamt for two times this night the thing I wanted the most.

The worst part of the dream was this — I woke up.

Life is not a dream.

I dreamt about home

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A day in the life of..., Emo, Life, Random Ramblings, Reflections

I dreamt about home.

I was dressing up on a very stormy morning…

I was going to wear the red jacket I bought before leaving for Poland…

I was super excited to go to the office that day, I don’t know why… (maybe office was also home to me)

I was ecstatic. I was happy. I was excited.

Then I woke up.

This is home for the next few weeks.

This must be my home.

Depression?

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A day in the life of..., Emo, Life, Random Ramblings, Reflections

This is most likely it.

I want to go home.

Taking a step back

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A day in the life of..., Emo, Life, Random Ramblings, Reflections

Sometimes, you just have to try and remember how things were before all the complexities.

Sometimes, you just need to remind yourself why you’ve stressed about this for so long.

Sometimes, you just have to step back and see how things were.

Then at least you know that you have something to work for. And try getting close to how it was before.

End of the line.

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A day in the life of..., Emo, Life, Random Ramblings, Reflections

Dear you,

I don’t want you to be part of my life. I don’t want to be part of yours.

I don’t want to hear from you. Know what you’re doing. I don’t even want to see your name.

So if it’s possible, stay away from me. Stay so far away from me. I don’t ever want to talk to you again. Not for anything. Not for anything at all.

Pretend that you never knew me. And that I never existed. That’s the best way to put it.

I am tired of trying to be okay. I am tired. I am just tired.